Fight like a girl.

November 9, 2023. I get asked all the time, "How are you doing?" It seems like it should be an easy question to answer, yet I hesitate. I can't quite say, "I'm doing great. Everything is going good." Why? Why can't I just say that?  I SHOULD be able to say that. I'm cancer free, and I'm not sick anymore, yet I don't feel like things are great. I know when they're asking me, how are you, they're referring to how I'm doing cancer wise.  

One of my dear best friends goes hiking every Friday during the summer. She’s been doing this for at least 7 years, maybe longer. I don’t know how it originated but it has morphed into what we call “Lovely Lady Day.”  There is usually a husband or two that will go with us. Depending on the hike, and the day, there can be anywhere from three to eight moms and about 23 kids. Some hikes are all day hikes where they drive to salt lake, hike, pack a lunch and are barely home in time for dinner.   I started joining this group a few years ago. I’m not an avid hiker. I didn’t grow up hiking. I’m actually a little scared of the outdoors. I’m not a fan of the critters you run into out in the mountains, especially snakes.  My first year I would pick and choose which hikes we went on. If I had worked the night before there was no way I would be ready to go at 9:30 with all four kids, backpacks, snacks, sunscreen, etc. I also wasn’t sure about how my kids (let’s be real, it’s me) woul...

 Went and saw the mastectomy physical therapist last week. He worked me over. He used a plastic tool to scrape my scar tissue. Does that sound as unpleasant as it felt?   My underarm felt like it was sunburned and on fire anytime I touched it.  I told him where it was tender under my arm. He said that I grimaced in different spots each time and that’s usually a sign of nerve damage. He said that my nerve is probably hyper stimulated and we need to overstimulate it so it stops firing that it’s irritated. We need to desensitize it. That’s a better way of saying it. I’m supposed to massage it for a minute in five different directions every day.  I went again yesterday and the assistant did some more scraping but did it less intense since I was so tender after the last time. She also showed me some stretches to try and loosen the tightness I’ve been feeling.  I’m currently sitting in Dr. Tittensor’s office. She’s going to teach me how to do breast exams with my...

 Well, my life has been going pretty good. I've had a follow up appointment with my radiation oncologist, plastic surgeon and medical oncologist. They've all had good things to say. I've graduated to a check up in six months with my radiation oncologist and then probably just a yearly check up. With my plastic surgeon, well there are still a few things going on with the reconstruction.  So the surgery went great and everything was looking good. A couple weeks maybe three weeks out I started noticing some tightness in my chest, arm and shoulder. I mentioned it to the plastic surgeon NP and she said we'll keep an eye on it. She said that it could still be scarring from the radiation. All the doctors keep saying, "radiation is the gift that keeps on giving." Well I wish it would stop. I've enjoyed the gift long enough and now I'd like to return it. She said if there continues to be a problem we could always do a revision. I didn't ask exactly what tha...

 Two weeks today! I had my final surgery two weeks ago.  I expected this recovery to be way worse than it has been. I had heard that liposuction was quite painful. I won't say that it wasn't uncomfortable but not as bad as I was expecting. It's weird to have discomfort doing simple things. Bending at my waist to shave my legs was uncomfortable, putting pressure on my stomach like that was not pleasant.  I'm happy to see that I'm getting better. I can feel myself getting stronger. I'm able to be up for longer periods of time. My first walk around the block wore me out. I had to sit down and recover for an hour before I felt better. But that was one week post op and I hadn't done much but walk around the house so that was a little ambitious.  I have a follow up MRI on Monday. It was supposed to be in April but a couple nights ago I was having a freak out moment. I called the next morning and got it moved to as soon as they could get me in.  You know when it...

 Alright. I've had questions about this last surgery, and I'm going to just explain what happened so hopefully it makes more sense and answers the questions.  Back in June I had my double mastectomy. They took out all of my breast tissue. My chest was flat. I've seen mastectomy pictures and it's almost concave where the breast tissue was. That would have been the case for me except I chose to do reconstruction. So after taking away all the tissue they placed the tissue expanders. They're like implants but they have a valve on them that they fill with saline. I went to the plastic surgeon's office every week to have my tissue stretched. They needed to make a pocket for where the implant would eventually be. I essentially chose my breast size without having to wake up from surgery and be like, "Oh I wish I was bigger. Oh I wish I was smaller." I went in one week and they put 50 cc's of saline in. We waited a week for my skin/tissue to stretch and the...

 Remember how I was having surgery today? Remember how I was going to get my port taken out and these uncomfortable plastic expanders? Ya well not happening today. Whoever filled out my pre authorization form put the wrong facility. They wrote down American Fork hospital which is great cuz my insurance covers that hospital. But my surgeon isn’t at American fork today, he’s at a surgical center in Provo who my insurance does not cover! I should clarify- my insurance will cover it if you have a certain plan. So my plan goes to the Intermountain hospitals. But a different plan goes to the HCA hospitals and the surgical center. Why? I don’t understand why someone with my same insurance company can go to the surgical center but my plan doesn’t let me. The morning was spent with calls to insurance, surgical center and surgeon’s office. All with the final decision that I was not able to have surgery today. Oh my gosh thinking about it makes me want to stomp and scream and throw a tantrum!...

 I'm almost done. I have one last surgery on Tuesday. This is to get the expanders out and replace them with implants. They will also do some fat grafting to make the boobs look more natural. Silver lining in all of this: I get some new boobs and maybe some lipo in the stomach.  I'm told the implants will be more comfortable. I hope so because these expanders hurt. I feel like my right side has still been shrinking. It feels like it's going into my underarm. It's tender and a little painful. I was massaging it in the shower today trying to push it out from under my arm. Not sure if it did anything but it felt better.  When Ryan and I talk about where I was last year in this process, I get physically ill. I want to throw up thinking about going through chemo. It was the hardest thing I've ever physically and mentally had to go through. A friend from high school called me over Thanksgiving and told me his brother's wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer. He as...

 It’s been a year. One year. Monday, November 22nd I received a message and read my cancer diagnosis. I didn’t believe it. I had to call my doctor and it still took a few weeks for it to sink in. November 30th we met with Dr Tittensor and was given all the information- the port placement, the chemotherapy, the surgery, the radiation. It was so overwhelming. I know we left that appointment with Ryan feeling relieved and optimistic, while I sat in the car and cried thinking about all the things that were to come.  It was a rough year. The worst part was chemotherapy and how sick I was. I could do surgery again, or even maybe radiation but the chemo. That was horrible.  But even though it was a horrible year we were blessed in so many ways. My mom was able to come and help with each round of chemo. Ryan’s dad was also able to come help me. I could only stomach Rice Krispies for a little bit. He wasn’t sure how I liked it so he just brought everything up to my room and let me...

  I had another infusion last week. I was calculating it and I may only have two or three more infusions. I started January 7th. I'm supposed to receive the Herceptin for a year. I have one after Thanksgiving and then one in December. I'm not sure if they'll want me to get one more dose in January or call it good after the one in December. It doesn't really matter to me. It's pretty quick, especially when I don't see the doctor. It's about an hour for the whole process.  I get to the office, check in, wait for the nurse to call me back, have them access my port and then they tell the back room I'm ready. The "back room" mixes up the drug and then they bring it out and hang it for 20-30 minutes. I always forget how long it is. Anyway, it infuses for the amount if time it's supposed to and then they de-access my port and I'm on my way.  The worst part is getting my port accessed. They stick the needle in and it's a poke but you have t...

 I wore these shirts just about every night when I was going through radiation. See how there are some dark spots on them? Ya that is grease from the ointments I used to keep my skin from cracking and burning. I used old shirts knowing they would probably get ruined. Well the time has come for me to throw them away. They are so greasy, but they saved my sheets for me (for the most part). Thank you t-shirts but I don't want to see you ever again. 

  I saw this hanging in my bathroom the other day. It brought back some memories.  This is the little pouch that I would hang my drains in after I had my mastectomy. When I would shower I would put the drains into each side of the pouch and hang it around my head. This way they weren't freely hanging, tugging on the stitches in my stomach, that were holding them in place.  I thought about Ryan stripping the tubing every morning and night, emptying the drain into a container and writing down the amount on a piece of paper. I had to divide the paper into right drain, left drain, date and time. And it had to be emptied and recorded every morning and every night. I couldn't get those drains out until I had less than a certain amount of output for three consecutive days.  I remember I went to the Garth Brooks concert with Ryan, my sisters, and their husbands. I had driven to the concert with Ryan's brother and wife who were also going to the concert. When I had gotten in ...

 I celebrated my birthday last week. It seemed a little more significant this year; not just because I'm getting closer to 40 (😬), but because I'm alive and I GET to celebrate another year of being alive. I was heading to lunch on Tuesday and I got a little emotional thinking about this past year. I had an aggressive cancer that would’ve taken my life 20 years ago. Due to medical advances, I was able to receive, and still receive, a medication that's very effective against my type of cancer. I'm so very grateful that I live here and now and that I'm able to continue to live and raise my children and grow old with Ryan. 

 Man. I was scrolling through my instagram pictures from this past year. There is a lot of emotion looking at the different stages I went through: surgeries, first day of chemo, last day of chemo, being bald, having my siblings with me, Ryan taking care of Courtney.... There have been so many hard things. But there have been so many good things. But so many hard things. Ha Ha Ha.   I pray that I don't have to do this EVER AGAIN. 😉

 Radiation done! Ryan and my friends were like, "We need to go celebrate!" I'm kind of like, "Eh, no big deal. We don't need to celebrate. Chemo was WAY worse than this." BUT it's another box checked off on this list of cancer treatments. I only have to finish out my year of Herceptin and then the exchange surgery. Hallelujah!  I ran into a lady this week at the cancer center. She was getting ready for her radiation treatment while I was heading out the door. We started chatting for a minute. She made the comment- so this is your first dance with cancer? I said, "Um yes my one and only dance." I was thinking, no I'm not doing this again.  I saw the doctor and nurse yesterday. The nurse sat in with me first asking about my skin and fatigue. She looked at me and said, "You look like you're ready to fall asleep." I was super tired yesterday and yes I needed a nap. She also said that my skin will continue to react for the next ten...

Alright, I did pretty well with the lack of skin issues with radiation. I've started with a pink sunburn this week. It's not too bad on my back but it's quite tender under my arm. I know it doesn't look like much in the picture but it hurts a lot more than it looks. And think about your arm moving constantly throughout the day and rubbing against the sunburn.  On my neck/shoulder/back, my bra strap rubs. It's not a huge problem but just a little discomfort. These pictures are from the beginning of the week so it's a little more red and tender now.  This week was kind of a roller coaster. Tuesday morning, I got up, went and worked out, got going with my day and was feeling really good. I called the hospital, labor and delivery, and said, "Hey I'm feeling pretty good. What if I come and break some nurses for lunch? I could do one break before radiation and one after radiation." So I got Courtney off to school and headed to the hospital. I sent one nu...

 I've been meaning to write this post for a week now. I'm almost done with radiation. When I heard I had 25 rounds of treatment it sounded so daunting but now I only have 7 rounds left. YAY!!! I'm so excited. I've gone to the hospital Monday through Friday for the past three weeks. These three creams have saved my life. If anyone you know ever has to go through radiation give them this advice: Put the MiaDerm cream on every day, multiple times a day if you can. I got an old t-shirt that I would wear to bed and I would slather aquaphor all over the area. I don't think I'm going to have much, if any, skin breakdown.  With radiation, imagine going and getting a sunburn everyday. If you have a sunburn that peels and blisters, you can't really keep going and getting treatment. So it's kind of important to take good care of your skin to help prevent a disruption in your treatment.  When I get radiation, I can't feel anything. I go under this machine and it...

 I know this is not the most flattering picture but I'm documenting my journey in all it's ugliness. :-) I look like an ugly man. I told Ryan the other night, "I want to throw up when I look at myself in the mirror. I just see my ugly hair." He said, "I see someone that's going to be with us for a long time." Aww, he's so sweet to me.  So the hair on my head is growing back which means it's growing back everywhere else as well. The positive is that I’m getting my eyelashes back. Yay!! They are these little tiny things but at least they’re coming back in. My eyebrows have recovered beautifully as well. The bad part is I have to shave my legs again and it's a little annoying actually. 😉 I had laser hair removal before all this started and my hair had thinned out everywhere it was done or, like in my underarms, it was almost completely gone. Now my body has reset itself and my hair is growing back. Oh well. C’est la vie.  I went to the radiatio...

  It has been a busy couple of weeks. One week full of doctor's appointments and the next week full of church girls camp.  Had my echo on Tuesday, which came back normal, met with the plastic surgeon on Thursday to get an expansion and met with my oncologist on Friday and got an infusion.    I hadn’t seen my oncologist since surgery and had all the pathology results back (remember I saw his PA that knew nothing about me and couldn't get his computer to work to look anything up?). He gave me a hug and said he was so happy with the results. He was so happy that I got a “complete immune response” from the chemo which essentially means the cancer is gone. Maintenance plan now is to continue with the Herceptin infusions until January and nothing really from there on out. He said that there's no benefit to getting routine scans. There was a study done (there's ALWAYS a study being done) to see the benefit of getting routine scans. These aren't the specific numbers but th...

I'm six weeks out from surgery. YAY! I can start being more active, and by that I mean I can start lifting weights again. I went to the rec center today and lifted 2.5 and 5 pound weights. I went to high yesterday (which was really me marching and dancing in place) and my hips and legs are really sore. Good sign? I think so, I'm getting my body back into shape.  We had a really good fourth of July weekend. On Saturday the 2nd, I got up to go to the patriotic high fit class. It was a lot of fun. One of my friends had told me the previous Thursday, "You should get there early on Saturday so you can request Cake." Well, I didn't get there early and I was in the very back row of the gym. In the middle of class, I saw two of my friends disappear from where they were working out. I saw them talking to one of the instructors and I thought, "Oh no, they're going to request Cake for me." And I was right. For the party song, all of a sudden one of the instruct...