Fight like a girl.

 Okay 11pm sunday night. No throwing up. No bowel issues. I'm turning a corner. 🤞🤞🤞 Last night as I was crying in bed feeling so crappy, I pulled up instagram and this is the first post that I see.  This whole thing may not be applicable to me at this time, but last night when I was down and out and so very discouraged, I found my heavenly parents looking out for me. "We know you're tired. We know you are worn out. But keep going. You are stronger than you think. You got this."  And I have made it through another day. 💓

 I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.  That is what I was crying at bedtime last night. I had a mediocre day. I did pretty good for most of the day. Then I did something stupid and decided I could handle something more than toast. Nope I was wrong. I had a quesadilla. Why would I think that was a good idea??? Well I was hungry. I get so hungry and I just want to eat and I can't!!!! It took about an hour or two for the quesadilla to come back up. I could tell it was just sitting in my stomach. Ugh I hate that feeling. And don't worry my stomach was cramping up and causing issues the other way as well. 😭😭😭😭 Make it stop!!!  But today... I've had a good day. I have been lying in bed all morning. I watched church from home. I had some toast. I had a sweet potato. I'm having a protein smoothie my friend made. I usually do pretty good during the day and then the evening hits. It's like sundowners with old people. My anxiety kicks into high gear. I don't get the ...

 I was a little down and discouraged last night. I was so hungry. I was having hunger pains. Yet I didn’t know what to eat that would be satisfying. I had toast in the morning and could barely taste it and it gave me diarrhea. What the heck! That’s supposed to be on the BRAT diet that helps with diarrhea.  I didn’t know if there was anything else I could taste. It’s so frustrating to be so hungry yet everything makes you sick and you can’t taste it anyway so why even bother.  And it’s not just that you can’t taste it. Things taste weird. That fuzzy numb tongue is just annoying. It was a different consistency yesterday though, which I know sounds weird. How can your tongue have a consistency but it just does. I was thinking maybe the cells are now shedding their top layer and I’m getting past the numb tongue part.  I prayed yesterday that my tongue would be back to normal today. The jury’s still out. I did eat half a cronut which tasted pretty good. Not sure I could c...

When people lost their sense of taste with covid I was curious what that was like. I wonder if it’s how this whole tongue numb thing is. It really is horrible. Things taste kind of bitter yet I can’t taste them at the same time.  I added the crystal light squirty thing to my water last night at dinner. 🤢 it was gross so I passed it off to Ryan. We had a freezer meal and I couldn’t eat that either. It tasted peppery and bitter. Man I feel bad if this how the covid taste loss went. It’s really, really dumb.  I’ve had some bowel issues this morning and I hope it’s done for the day. If I have 4-5 episodes of diarrhea in a day I’m supposed to call the doctor. I’ve already had two this morning which is more than I’ve experienced on previous rounds. I’m not keeping up on my fluids which isn’t good so I need to be careful. I don’t really want to have to go get some IV fluids. 

 It's been a good couple of days..... As long as I'm laying down in bed.  My sweet aunt and uncle came down yesterday to babysit me. 😉I got up a couple of times and went downstairs. It wore me out pretty good. But as soon as I lay down I'm totally good again. It also helped that I stayed up on my meds yesterday as well. Ryan and I kept missing my afternoon Tylenol and nausea med. And then I couldn't take it because I wanted to be able to take my Tylenol PM at bedtime. But yesterday my aunt got me my afternoon meds and I think I did better. When going to bed I feel a little sick to my stomach but I just breathe and fall asleep and I do okay.  So overall round three has not been as horrible as the first two. Knock on wood. I just have to lay in bed. I laid in bed all day today. But I went downstairs for dinner. And I stayed down there for a couple of hours. I felt totally good (sitting on the couch). It makes me so happy. Then I came up and took my nightly/daily bath. A ...

 I’m doing pretty good today. Pretty good as in I haven’t moved from my room. I just got out of bed and moved to the recliner but that’s okay. I’m not super nauseated or hurting. Both good things. I’m drinking some Powerade trying to stay hydrated.  I want to get up and go do things….like clean my house. I know that probably isn’t the greatest idea though. I’m trying to lay low and heal. I’m hoping that all the fluids I’ve had will flush things out of my body. And I’ve just been resting all weekend. I was literally in bed sleeping for like 4 or 5 hours on Saturday. Probably longer. And today- here it is 2:00 and I’m just getting up and dressed to move from bed to my chair. Hahaha   Ryan has the day off and took the kids sledding. My sister is here babysitting me. 😆 this round is going to be better. I can feel it. I’m going to be smarter this time with my concoction of meds. 🤞🏼

I wish I could have frozen this week or slowed down time.  I didn’t feel as recovered this time. I’m doing good but just not 100%  I'm going to have Ryan type for me because I can barely keep my eyes open. He can be my scribe for tonight.  On Sunday at the family Super Bowl party, my sister in law, Sarah, asked what I wanted to get done this week while I felt good.  I told her I just wanted to get my nails done.  It was a busy week and by Wednesday, it still wasn't done. She text and asked if I had gotten them done yet. No. 😔 She called some places to make an appointment. So she got us an appointment and I was able to do that one thing that I really wanted to do.  I love how my nails turned out!  Afterward, she gave me a necklace with this poem included with it.  I thought it was pretty fitting since I had just talked about the rainbow after the storm in my last post.   I had my 3rd round of chemo today.  I'm halfway done.  I ...

 You know what's great about being bald?  When I got in the bathtub I didn't worry about getting the back of my hair wet. I could scoot down as low as I wanted and not worry about any sort of hair drying afterward. It was a really awesome feeling to just soak in the bathtub- not a care in the world. 😆  I'm not one of those people that can wash their hair and leave the house with a wet head. If I did that my hair would be crazy scary. I have a little bit of a curl/wave in my hair and if I don't blow dry it straight it's a big old mess. Now I wash my hair.....well my head and then I get out of the shower and I'm good to go. Well, almost.  When I snuggle Ryan in bed he doesn't get a face full of hair. He can just snuggle up to my bald head. Hahahaha  I've heard that hair can come in differently when it grows back in. I could have like super curly hair, like my mom. It could grow in all gray. 😕 Yikes! Or maybe even white! Or purple. Okay not purple but the...

I was going to write all weekend but I just wasn't in a good place mentally. Every time I thought about writing I had nothing good to say. I had some low points last week. I can get pretty down at times when I'm not sick, feeling crappy and going through chemotherapy. So you can imagine where my thoughts go when I AM sick, feeling crappy and going through chemotherapy. If you can't, I'll tell you, it's not good.  BUT have no fear I'm better now- hence the post.  So we shaved my head to about a 1 on the clipper setting. I got in the shower to wash off all the hair and more hair came out. That's when I looked like Jack the monkey. It was short and bald patches everywhere. Later I shaved it more. It was itchy and ugly and I was done with it. Then I turned into a Russian prisoner during the 1960s.  Cue next movie Ryan and I watched- The Courier. 😂😂😂 You have NO idea how much time I spent looking for a picture 🙄 Waaaaay too long.  ANYWAY!!! I was in the batht...

 It’s 9:30 am and already it’s been a crappy morning. It was a rough night too. I thought I was on the recovery. I had a really good day yesterday. I was tired and nauseous at times but overall pretty good. I spent all day on the couch which is better than bed. But I got really nauseous going to bed last night, dry heaving even. That was a first.  Then about 5:00 this morning I threw up. I threw up dinner that had been sitting in my stomach for almost 12 hours. How the heck does that happen?  Alright I started this post this morning and now it’s 3 pm. I’m headed to the doctor to get some IV fluids. I haven’t had anything to eat or drink today. And I’ve lost fluid from both ends. I slept the morning away. And thankfully the stomach pains have gone again. Did I already mention that? I was having really bad stomach cramps this morning. My intestines hate me. They were trying to expel any substance that I had put into my body yesterday. And I have a sore throat and a dry coug...

 I can’t really complain. I mean I probably could but I’m doing better. Last time was really horrible. I feel like I’m doing better this time around. I’m not great but I’m not as bad as last time.  I don’t have much of an appetite. Last time I was craving smoothies and the Naked Juice drinks. This time I don’t really want them at all.  My mom got me some Prilosec yesterday which got rid of the burning esophagus. So that was super helpful.  My body just kind of aches and I just don’t really feel good. But that’s all.  I was telling Ryan last night- why? Why am I going through this? I wish I could give it away to someone. Or maybe just a little bit to multiple people so not one person has to feel this way. I just don’t feel strong enough to do this four more times. Ugh. I hate saying it that way…..  But on the other hand- when the next one is over I’m halfway done. 😭😭😭 how can I keep doing this?