Fight like a girl.

 I hate waking up mad. I hate when it happens. Sometimes I just wake up and I’m mad. I don’t know why. This happened this morning. I had a rude awakening a couple times early this morning. I woke up around 4 with painful stomach cramps which was then followed by a few trips to the bathroom. Sadly, going to the bathroom takes a toll on my body. I sat on the toilet shivering and shaking. Then climbed back in bed still shivering and so weak.  I hate this. I know I’m almost done. I know I need to be patient. I’m frustrated. I’m anxious. I had a little freak out last night. Ugh I’ll get to that later. I’m going to go work out my frustrations, assuming I have the strength to get there. 

 It’s Thursday! I’ve made it almost a week after treatment. Hallelujah!!! (Courtney hates when I say that) 😂 Speaking of Courtney, she broke her arm Tuesday night. 🤦🏻‍♀️ She fell off a neighbor’s trampoline. I’m not sure on the whole story still. This friend has a net around it but Courtney said the zipper wasn’t closed and she fell out there. She came home crying and holding her arm. She can be a little dramatic so I wasn’t sure if she was just tired and a little hurt, or if she needed to be taken to the doctor. Ryan took her in and yep she broke both bones down by her wrist. She has a soft cast on right now and we see the pediatrician on Friday. When Ryan text me and said it was broken I was like, really?!?!? Right before summer and swimming and end of school fun?!?!? Ugh! It’s our first broken bone in the family and surprisingly with three boys, it’s the little girl that does it first. 😆  Well I’ve made it through almost a week post chemo. And this one is going way bett...

 Yay!! I’m done! I’m done with all my chemo and I’m so happy.  I pretty much slept all day Saturday. Sunday I did pretty good most of the day. I started to get pretty nauseous Sunday night. I think I kind of had a bit of an anxiety attack. I was freaking out because I didn’t want to do this week. I get so sick and I hate it. I just don’t want to get sick. I was sitting there dry heaving and my stomach was cramping. And I was crying and telling Ryan, “I don’t want to do this.” This nausea is like none other I’ve ever experienced. Now granted I didn’t have horrible pregnancy nausea so this really is the worst nausea I’ve ever had. And I’m not really getting a ton of relief from anything.  I slept off and on yesterday too. I was able to eat a little bit as well. My friend started an IV on me and I got two liters of fluids. We were able to put it in my forearm instead of my elbow so it’s more convenient to leave in longer. I’m going to do more fluids today and who knows maybe...

I did it! I'm done with my six rounds of chemo!!! I really, really, really did not want to go to this round. I told my doctor I didn't want to be there. 😉 He asked me how things went with my appointment with Dr. Tittnesor (breast cancer surgeon). I told him she didn't see anything on the ultrasound and couldn't palpate anything either. He said, " Oh that's such good news." I said, "I know. So let's just skip some meds today." He told me that he could probably decrease my taxotere (chemo drug) by about 20-25% I said, "Great. So we'll do 20 mg of taxtoere." Ryan said, "No he said he would decrease it by 20%" The standard dose of taxotere is 75mg. After round 3 when I didn't recover as well he decreased it to 65mg. So I was asking him this time if we could go to like 50mg. He said he'll put the numbers into the computer and we'll go with that dose. I took a picture of my med bags yesterday to figure out the d...

 I went to the store and now I'm exhausted. Seriously, walking around the store?!?!?! When am I going to be me again? I get so tired so easily. How long does it take a person to get their energy back? And I am NOT looking forward to Friday. I'm going to go and I'm going to see the doctor but I'm going to ask him to decrease my dose of stuff. Surely getting a little of something is better than nothing right? 

This guy right here. My knight in shining armor. He has stayed by my side and loved me through all of this crap. He is supportive and doesn't complain about how lazy I've become. He's always doing the dishes and taking care of the kids. He gets them up for school every day so I can sleep in and rest. He has pushed me because he says he wants to have me on earth with him for the next 50 years. From things I've read on social media, not all husbands and boyfriends have been so supportive. I know that we've both been stressed and worried but instead of running away he's just kept up with the family and household in stride, not missing a beat. And never complaining either. Maybe he's cussing me out in his head but he has never said one negative thing to me. We've had soccer practices and piano and basketball and he's just been a chauffer while still working full time. I mean he's pretty awesome. I love him so much. I'm glad he still wants me arou...

Have you ever been so excited to go to sleep at night cuz you’re just so tired but then you get restless legs? I’ve been having restless legs at night. It’s super frustrating. I wonder if it’s related to anxiety at all? I lay down to sleep at night and my legs decide to freak out. I was trying to explain restless legs to my sister earlier this week. It feels like your muscles are trying to get out of your skin and run away. I’ve found that if I flex my legs for a few seconds then release them that seems to help. I remember having this problem when I was pregnant with either Kaden or Courtney. One of my OBs had said something about stretching. Maybe that would help? I don’t know. I mostly try to ignore it because the more it bugs me the more anxious it makes me. Does that make sense? I’m laying there trying to relax and go to sleep and not think about my legs but they’re just freaking out inside. It’s really awesome. 🙄  I also have an eye twitch. My left eye will just start twitchi...

 It’s crazy that I can be in such a low place Monday. I woke up Tuesday morning and it’s like I’m a different person. A FOR REAL different person!!! It was like a light switch just getting turned on. Switch that quick. A few hours of sleep and I am better?????🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️  I was hungry and wanted to eat breakfast. I got out of bed before 10:00. ☺️ I got dressed. I wasn’t mad and sad.   I was thinking- okay I guess I can do this. I guess I can do the last of this.  I am still sad thinking about going through one more round of chemo. I still want to start healing my body NOW. TODAY.  But I also saw my surgeon yesterday and she did plan my surgery date assuming I do my last round of chemo. She felt nothing and saw nothing on ultrasound. She has every reason to believe that when she gets in there for surgery there will be not much there.   Of course this doesn't necessarily mean that the cancer is all gone. She'll take a chunk out in s...

 I was going to write Saturday but I was NOT happy going to sleep that night so I thought I’d wait until Sunday when I was a little calmer and happier. Nope that didn’t happen. So today I’m writing but sadly it’s not really coming from a happy place yet.  I had a pretty good day Saturday. It was a really nice day. I sat outside with Ryan. My bald head even got a little sunburned. And then things just decided to go south in the evening. I had stomach cramps and diarrhea, I got super nauseous. I was hungry. I ate two bites of applesauce and couldn’t eat anymore. I just sat on the kitchen floor crying. I thought, man if people want to see what cancer is like- here’s the picture they need: me sitting on floor, skin and bones, tears streaming down my face, the floor covered with tear stains, unable to finish a two bite bowl of applesauce. This is the ugly truth of cancer.  I decided I would just go upstairs, take all my meds and drug myself to sleep essentially. I have some CB...

 I’ve still been sleeping my life away. I wake up in the morning when Ryan wakes up and then I have him give me some meds and I go back to sleep until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I just lay in bed wasting away. 😏But at least I don’t have to deal with the side effects from chemo.  It’s spring break this week and my kids are in California. It’s been so nice to just sleep the days away and not worry about who is where, no kids running in and out of my room, asking me questions about things I don’t have answers to. So grateful for my mom and sisters taking them for the week. ❤️ We have been so blessed to have such a strong support system. Family and friends that have been willing to take my kids into their home, family that comes and babysits me, friends that encourage me to keep going when I want to be done. Those don’t sound like mountain moving things but they are. My phone gets bombarded with texts and even though I can’t answer all of them I am so grateful that our family is be...

It’s been a good couple of days. I slept all day yesterday and today. I guess that’s why they were good days. I got pretty nauseous yesterday evening but survived. My skin has already started shedding in my nose and throat. Ugh it’s so gross. Every time I swallow I feel a big lump in my throat. I hate it. That alone makes me pretty nauseous.  I’m going to try and stay hydrated this time…..when I’m not sleeping the day away. 

 Round five out of six is done. Yay! And in one month I'll be completely done. Hallelujah! I headed into this round way better than last time. I hydrated really well on Wednesday and Thursday. I had more energy going into this round as well. I was better mentally, less emotional. I still woke up Thursday scared and anxious but I did my thing and made it through the day with no tears.  The mask requirement was lifted at the doctor's office and so was the visitor restriction. Guess who got to stay with me for the morning before I conked out from the Benadryl. It was so nice to have him there.  I was able to eat last night. Ryan's aunt brought over spaghetti and I totally had two plates of it without any bad side affects. I've been eating a little better this week as far as eating without getting stomach cramps afterward. That is such a blessing.  I get so tired from treatment. And I was having some numbness and tingling in my hands and feet so Ryan gave me some medicat...